Parking lot

I left without thinking much, left me felt like I was being bullied.

One morning upon arriving at my usual parking spot a work, I saw that there was a cone with a company’s name there. I was confused as I usually park there. So, I went off the car and remove the cone and parked my car. 

Then a man came to me and say that this should be their company’s spot as they had a permit for the spot, now they need it back etc. My first thought was that I do not want to have any conflict and try to argue, so I apologized and said I did not know since I parked here for more than a year. Trying to not defend myself or explain myself, I just went to park at a lot where I have to pay.

Stupid.

Why did I even leave to re-park my car? I should have asked him to check with my company and not give in so easily?

Why was I so afraid of conflict?

Why did I not stay a little longer?

Why did I explain or negotiate?

I was so troubled throughout the entire day. I was not only troubled by how I reacted to the situation, but how to deal with it the next day as well. Am I suppose to park at my spot again? What if the man were to come to me? What should I say? Should I stand up for myself?

This left me reflecting about myself.

I have always been nonchalant over many things, especially towards people.

Telling myself, it’s okay.

Don’t be so sensitive. 

Just do more, it is fine.

Don’t have to be defensive

Avoid conflict.

Avoid argument.

This left me doubting myself and am thinking whether what I think was okay is actually not okay?

Am I suppose to be stronger and learn to speak out?

It is definitely an incident that have led me reflecting about my character. 

Not leading me to self-doubt, but how the Lord wants to shape me through this.

I know that He can shape me, but am I willing to be shaped as I know it will take a lot of me and it is painful.

 idk

I shall sit on this and reflect.

Quarter of a Century

When everyone prefers not to reveal their age and complaining about getting older, I felt that I don't mind telling my age, I'm already age quarter of a century! Maybe because I mix with the younger people more, and being older than them give me the "authority" and also the "big sister" feeling to them whenever I speak to them.

This year is a very special year to me, as I have started working, back to the church I belong and also back to my very own home.

As times goes on, I find it very important to pen down my thoughts, to take time and reflect. And here I am, deciding to be back at writing (though knowing that I am not very good at it) after talking to a very dear friend of mine.

Also, kicking start after attending a seminar called 'Make Your Life Count!' I have quite a number of take backs from it and I shall share it real soon.

Cried.

I think this semester is the semester where I cried the most. (Ever since I became a uni student, I use semester than year). For those small little petite things, for things that I care and treasure, for things that I feel that I cannot take it anymore. I cry.

I tend to get pretty emotional and agitated overthings. I have no idea why and since when I am like this. I can get upset easilywhich I am not aware about it until people around pat and remind me.

I know I cannot be reacting this way. Due to my health, I need to be calm, steady and happy. But I just can't be feeling like that all the time, as if I do not have emotions and I cannot afford to be angry. When people do something that agitates me, am I suppose to return with a smile? Gah!

Well, for whatever is it. I just know I cannot be stress, angry and emotional. I need to be a pro in controlling my emotions. I guess all I could do is, in every circumstances, tell myself 'it's okay!' and carry on. (I'm trying to say this without being sarcastic)

Life. My life.